I tried a bunch of different ways but it would not work when I tried to upload a pdf of my comments and the essay, so I just included a link to it!
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1wTSvGXoe_vWshRJFXnUXJ5xSgbk8GIx4o0iYGknIYHU
I think this essay is a great start, but it also has a lot of room for improvement. The thesis is great, its very clear what the argument is supposed to be. However, I think that either the thesis can be specified even more, or that the rest of the essay should do a better job of connecting to what the thesis itself is. Along a similar route, sometimes I feel like the rhythm or the momentum of the essay gets interrupted by a runoff thought or a disconnected sentence, so at times it can be a little hard to follow. I think overall, the writer does a good job of introducing the sources as well. A lot of the vocabulary is good, it adds onto the essay without distracting from it. However, there are a few points within the essay where there are words that aren’t necessary, or the phrasing confuses me as to what the writer is attempting to argue, specifically in the end of the second paragraph. The topic and conclusion sentences should also be tweaked a little bit to follow the writers train of thought, and argument of the thesis instead of any other miscellaneous arguments. The conclusion could use just a little bit of work as well, but just some minor things. Overall, I think this essay has all of the major building blocks to a great essay, it just needs a few minor adjustments and rearrangements to make it the best it can be! (:
