Overall, I enjoyed the paper. I definitely think there are a lot of areas of improvement to work on. There were two unrelated personal stories included that went on for too long, and did not really have a purpose. Also, the thesis was very unclear, I didn’t understand what was supposed to be argued by the writer. Need more specifics in the entire paper. Also, there were not any topic sentences included in the paper at all, which would definitely support the argument once they get added. Also, when things got quoted, the paper could benefit from longer quotes to support it, or more analysis in general. Yet, I feel like the true thesis or reasoning was found later on in the paper. The point was made eventually, it could just be made a lot sooner.
